Daughter

It's hard when you try and try to keep peace and calm, but all that surrounds you is chaos and destruction. Sweat and tears, work and more​​ work. ​You can't hold on to joy​​, you can't make it happen. You can choose it, but it will always be fleeting. You can give and give, but when you're empty people will always want more. ​​No one will give you what you need. Building back your resources will always be your responsibility.​​ Trust is a rare commodity, give it to yourself first and others sparingly.​​​​ This is a truth.

This holiday season wasn't particularly merry or bright. I was finding it harder than ever to feel any positivity. It's hard to work by the adage "you get what you give" when you've been working your ass off to keep others happy, healthy and motivated,​ and get barely a modicum of return on investment.

I'm tired, so very tired of giving. No you can't expect to get back the same quantity,​ but JFC can anyone think outside themselves​​​? So fucking sick of the pressure to be selfless. I recognize that I couldn't give more at the time. I need some acceptance of this. I need to accept this.​​​​​​ This is also a truth. A fact if you will.

I am the last child of a last child. That brings a unique perspective and sense of self. I accept selfishness is at times self preservation. I am also the daughter of a full-fledged middle child, always striving to be loved as they often are. There's no shame in wanting to give and wanting to have. I accept the balance of having and giving. Which means that YES! You can have some expectation of returned respect and love. My children must know this, clearly and wholly. Unequivocally. Life is not always selfless. Fact.

Success can't be granted, you have to define it for yourself. High functioning means unreasonable expectations​​. Bare minimum can meet expectations. But now the holidays are past us and we're in the Winter of Discontent. Success comes in many colors, feelings and actions. The world is now in a tantrum and my country under seige. So I am taking my hard earned wisdom and sharing, or giving again. My stores are replenished and the embers are warming.

Being a fire dragon daughter of a last child and a middle child gives you a churn of confidence that no one can fully empty. That butter is sweet and plentiful, and overflows at times with good intent of sharing and filling others stores. Very rarely, in some cases they will return the favor, but do not and I mean DO NOT depend on it. There is an energy that comes with sharing butter, but remember that fleeting joy...

Never forget that family is made, biologically and philosophically, and can be broken. There is no guarantee, no absolute. No success that can remain unbroken. So you create, dream, refine, rebuild. Fact.

The less you focus on external acceptance, love, respect, the sweeter the butter.

"What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured."

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

-Til the last drop, N