End of Beginning
WARNING: This post contains patient voice discussion of cancer and details on medical treatments. The patient is not a medical professional and this is not medical advice. Make sure you check with your doctor on your own treatment.
This year has been challenging on many levels. It started with change and death, the rest has been a struggle for survival. It's a good time to introduce health into the conversation.
About 15 years ago, I was first diagnosed with nonmalignant skin cancer. Specifically, my face has a propensity to grow Basal cell carcinomas. The little buggers are not your friend, even though they mostly won't kill you. Don't let ANYONE get away with telling you they're "the good kind." It's like living in a codependent relationship where they refuse to leave except I certainly don't need them.
Nonmalignant is arguably a misnomer because it doesn't take into account time. Basically, if you don't treat them by removing them, eventually they can metastasize which is a fancy word for spread. This is the worst scenario for this type of cancer because the risk is much greater when they start to migrate. That's when they hulk out and might change their identity. Squamous, melanoma, all the cool kids want to grow up to be dangerous. At the end of the day, it's a cancer diagnosis and the only way to ensure you are put in remission is to cut out the cancer.
Sure there are creams, topical chemos and other poisons that can help, but once the biopsy comes back positive the only fully effective treatment is removal. That's a laboratory test/ surgery combo called Mohs surgery and coming from a scientist, it sucks ass.
So here we are 15 years later, 15 surgeries later and I basically have ZERO wrinkles but plenty of scars. After your first diagnosis, you're bruised. Not just from the biopsy but also from the words and stress. The next part (after the first surgery) is worse.
You get to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, waiting for the next diagnosis. There are many, many thoughts that occur, even if it takes a while to really settle in. What about other cancers? Am I going to develop melanoma? How do I explain the "minor surgeries" without having to become a poster child for sunscreen? Should I have never gone swimming or outside ever? Is it really my fault?
To be fair, some of those questions may not hit until @ surgery 5 for so. There's also having to take time from work every so often and coming back with stitches. If you're lucky, they won't form in readily visible places. So far, this is not my luck. See how quickly you bounce back from having to tell your children Mommy might not look quite the same but it's going to be alright.
Word to the wise, anyone who sells lip filler and botox is probably not going to be the most sympathetic for your cancer journey. You get stuck inbetween the "Mommys with sugar Daddys and nose jobs" crowd and the doctors who tell you to suck it up because it's not "real cancer" anyway providers.
So now you see a little bit better how anxiety can begin. Even if you weren't the over-achieving type or reaching mid-life crisis age, there are life things that plant the poison seed. If you have a chronic illness or these fun intermittent, not-quite-deadly pain in the ass illnesses, I hope you feel seen.
I need some wine...
Til the last drop - N
