Fear

What is more terrifying for a people pleaser than stopping and not letting disrespect stand. Not letting slights roll off your shoulder or burrow into your brain. Just acknowledging within yourself that you're enough until the time comes. Finally standing up and saying no more. No more.

No more hypervigilance. No more letting someone else's mood dictate my own. No more pretending that I can give until my chest is tight and my head explodes. No more not being upset by the world because that makes me emotional.

No more. No more fear. No more afraid of being lonely. No more you can't have what you want because of others. No more "you're being naive." No more kindness is weakness. No more other peoples' opinions matter. No more being LIKED matters. It doesn't matter more than expressing my own thoughts, or keeping my peace. No more ghosts of a past that's long gone and meeting other people's expectations when they don't give a damn about mine. No more holding my tongue. No more accepting blame for everything that I feel, or think. No more all my fault. No more "I can't read your mind!"

No more quiet heartbreak and disappointment. No more tiptoe around everything. No more changing minds matters. Listen or don't, but the consequences are your own. No more anxiety. I mean, yes anxiety, but not now. Take a fucking break you piece of shit. You wiley stringy orange haired fucking brat. Sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. Shout out to Inside Out 2 for the visual.

No more not meeting my own expectations. I can be gentle with myself on those days I just can't or I forget or I just don't want to. Catch the feeling and release.

No more guilt. For wanting to celebrate life, for wanting better, for wanting rest. You never built boundaries so your time and attention were constantly available for everyone else. No more. Constant anxiety isn't sustainable and isn't a wall. It's a sponge with big fucking holes in it.

Many moons ago being afraid was weakness, loneliness was self indulgent, being unhappy was not being strong enough and exhaustion was failure. No more.

Peace.

For all my stuck and sad sisters, anyone who is having a time right now and needs to hear that its ok to show the pain. Its also ok to let go of the pain and move past the ditch when you're ready. In my memory, there's no better sloughing music than Sarah.

This one is for you.

"But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall"

-Til the last drop, N