Love and Happiness
Someone once said to me that I don't want to be happy. I can understand why, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I act like what I want is simple, but really my wishlist could fill the ocean. Happiness is on it but I also know that is a journey, not a destination. So I do want many, many things including happiness. Most are bigger than me but some are just my size. Right now, I'd trade overjoyed for content, liked for peace and control for quiet. I'd hand over all the useless advice I've received against my will to see those people acknowledge their faults. Wouldn't it be nice to just give it back. Regift their crappy gift? I'd trade quite a few things on my list to get people more interested in science than fairytales. One thing I want is Aria to get her ass to work on her list too. Time's a wastin'.
I also know what I don't want. I don't want to be funny to anyone who doesn't deserve a chuckle. I don't want to please or comfort anyone who uses me or my loved ones for their own gain, definitely in my top 1000 wishes to stop that right now. I can't tell the future but I'd give up a whole bunch of other shit to know what happens in three years. And to know when people are going to wake the fuck up and stop letting billionaires do whatever the hell they want.
I stand by humanism but dammit I'm being tested by humans... A lot.
I despise the religious 12 step programs. They took some good ideas and slapped a fake mascot on top as a get out of jail free card. Atonement is personal, human and sometimes unattainable. That's what you live with. When you break someone's heart, you don't get off because your invisible friend says it's okay. You have to WORK for their acceptance and just like Jesus, that bitch just might not show up for you. So you then have to accept failure, because THAT is humanity. Fail, fall down, get up, walk, run, fail, fall again. Show your loved ones that you're willing to fail. For them.
Keep it up until your bones ache, eyes burn, skin is torn and you have road rash. WORK for it. Say you're sorry and FUCKING MEAN IT. Keep saying it until you get through, and say it again. Don't pray, don't ask someone else, show them that you will do anything for their forgiveness. You owe it to your children, your loved ones and yourself. THAT is love. Not sitting around on your ass, wallowing in self pity and waiting to die.
To summarize, DON'T BE A SELFISH CUNT ALL YOUR LIFE. While you're not being a cunt, do smell roses, go places you've never been, try new foods, read great books, listen to amazing music and take better care of yourself. Write something down that someone else knows but you just came up with all om your own. Have a voice and be a voice for those who need you. Make your death mean something. That's the end of your journey.
So, when anyone tells you something crazy like you don't want to be happy, tell them they're wrong. Or make them justify it. Happiness means different things to different people. And tell them it's not a constant and you're figuring it out. Then turn to someone you care about and ask them, what does it mean to you?
"Something that can make you do wrong, make you do right, love..."
-Til the last drop, N
