When the pawn...
I just found out that Fiona Apple's sophomore album had a title that was so long, it was a poem. The execs decided to shorten it to this "When the pawn..." A vision you have of your art, your career, your life gets swept under the rug and you get 3 words. It's an amazing album, so much honesty and anger in 10 songs, roughly an hour of listening pleasure. It doesn't matter what age we find success or how we define it, we'll always be vulnerable to shallow interests, short attention spans and capitalism.
I took an exam. I studied hard, and worked in an industry for 15 years before taking it, but all I did was take an exam. Since then, I've continued working in that industry in varying capacities with some notable success. I'm not winning awards for best in show, but I've at least been a working actor (consultant). Still, I am incapable of feeling successful. I value the people I've worked with and much of what I've learned, but I am dealing with imposter syndrome daily. It's starting to impact my desire to do my mildly successful work. I want to help in the way I know how, using my interpretation abilities and good memory. Unfortunately whether it's perimenopause or COVID related, my brain fog is a raging cloud of thick ash I'm fighting through.
I can't say it's only my impression, the industry has given me plenty of feedback. You're only as good as your next win, and we'll decide what that is. Your experience is great but what can you do? Also, what you've learned is now an AI search function so, we're all good. But can you sell...?
The future is here and you're no longer needed.
But maybe you're saying to yourself, this is not me, that's not my beautiful life... Well that's a different song (sort of) AND I'm ecstatic for you. I celebrate other's wins and mourn their losses (sometimes). You are doing great and deserve to feel that. I'm stuck somewhere between Courteney Cox in Cougartown and Shining Vale, both excellent shows.
Unfortunately I don't have the perfect wine pairing for deep dark self-reflection and despair, though given a few minutes I could definitely get that for you. I'm on some painkillers right now so not a good idea anyway. Comedy though, comedy has always been an excellent salve. And music of course. So the only words I can leave you with are this...
All my life is on me now
Hail the pages turning
And the future's on the bound
Hell don't know my fury
-Til the last drop, N
